Fifty shades of NO.


So, this is Andrea Riseborough.  You may know Andrea as the British film and television actress from movies like W.E. and Never Let Me Go.  You may not know Andrea as a face full of pancake batter, covered in flour, and rolled in sparkly powdered sugar as she’s pictured here.  Seriously, who did this to her.  I’m not even putting a question mark at the end of that statement- WHO DID THIS TO HER.  PERIOD.  What makeup artist got hongray and decided they wanted waffles and then proceeded to paint waffle batter on Andrea’s face?  Were they trying to bake her?  Did they want to stick her face in an oven and make pan rustico? Not fair for Andrea.  Not fair.  Nobody deserves to walk a red carpet looking like a wad of uncooked sweaty dough in the face.

The shade of foundation, IN CASE YOU’RE WONDERING, is a little light.  But what’s worse than that is that someone made the genius decision to apply a shimmery finish powder on her face after already turning her into the pretty child of Michael Jackson.  Now she looks white and sweaty.  BUT THEN, to top it off, they’ve added a nice rubicund glow to her cheeks that has made her now look, white, sweaty, and as if she’s just finished running a 20K.  I’m pretty sure this is how I look when I’ve got a case of the heavin’ upchucks.  Girl is lookin’ all flu season kinds of sexy!  Let this be a warning to us all- natural light, I say.  Do. Your. Makeup. In. Natural. Light. xo, MR

Explain this to me.

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Ok, so by now you know (that is, you know if you read this thing regularly) that I’m not exactly a fan of the kind of look I like to call “overcooked”.  Overcooked tends to look, well, over done.  And over done tends to look like this.  There are perfectly lacquered lips in some sort of bright shade, no doubt.  There is evident contouring.  There are false eyelashes.  There is plenty of eye makeup besides the false eyelashes.  There is obvious airbrushing and filtering.  There is perfectly curled platinum blonde hair (though they’ve likely strapped on some extensions that don’t need much curling, because extensions tend to have a curly life of their own).  There is an amount of face makeup that I could not even begin to quantify because while the point of airbrushing and filtering is to give the illusion that she has flawless skin, they ironically had to first slather on the pancake frosting MAC Studio Fix (yes, I frequently jab at this stuff) to initially prime the canvas.

I think this kind of look, however, frustrates me so much on Christina because she literally looks like this at every appearance, on every show, in every video, at every concert, in every advertisement.  I have the same beef with Kim Kardashian.  It’s just too much.  And when “too much” is “all the time”, “too much” starts to actually become boring.  When you are literally always looking like you just spent three hours in the makeup chair and an hour or two at the salon getting your hair wound around a curling rod, there’s no room for the really exciting “SHAZAM!” moments.  Doing the whole “long get-ready” process (as I call it) loses its thrill because that is your life every day.  As the years go by, how much fun can there be in getting dolled up when you have always gotten dolled up, every day of your life?!

My favorite parts of my week are always the one or two afternoons of “transformation”.  I won’t have worn a stitch of makeup (probably for lack of time and energy) for a few days, and I’ll come home from work with a couple hours to spare.  I’ll put on a face mask, cover my hair in oils, and watch a couple episodes of I Love Lucy.  I’ll then take a looooong shower where I’ll wash my hair (every fourth day), and leave conditioner in it as I do the rest of my shower stuff.  Then, if I have the energy, I’ll blow out my hair or I’ll just let it air-dry if I’m feeling lazy (which is most of the time), and I’ll go back an hour later and fix any kinks with a curling rod.  I’ll then slather on my moisturizer and apply as much or as little makeup as I like.  This is my happy place.

But what makes this my happy place is that I don’t get to indulge in it too frequently.  I look forward to it, and I savor it.  There are so many days in between where I smell, have bags under my eyes and un-groomed brows, and my hair is just … there.  I’ll just manage to get moisturizer on and that’ll be it for the day.  And while this frequently occurs out of laziness, I’ve also come to realize that I want to be able to take my time.  I hate rushing a process that I absolutely love, and so I’m finding that when I don’t have enough time to just relax and enjoy getting ready, I’d rather not “get ready” at all.  It’s the first clothes I can find, throwing my hair up or putting on a hat, applying lip balm, and I’m done.  I’d rather not even try than rush myself and not put real thought into my hair and makeup.

Maybe Christina gets to look so dolled up all the time because it’s part of her job.  And she has a crew of twenty ready to make it happen for her at a moment’s notice.  But regardless, I just know that I never want “dolled up” to be the regular for me.  At least, not the Christina kind of dolled up.  xo, MR

P.S.  Oh, and can someone also please explain the phrase “Sometimes all you need is red” to me?  I mean, really.  People gathered around a little conference table and thought of that.  And they thought it made sense, or that it was enticing.  Red food dye?  Red hair?  Red hot sauce?  Taylor Swift’s new album?  Now, if it said, “Sometimes all you need are those red Flamin’ Hot Cheetos”, I’d get it.  I’d get it.