When in Rome, do as the French do. Or whatever.

photo (96)So, I’ve been trying this new thing lately.  I’ve been wearing just red lipstick.  No no, just red lipstick.  I’ll put on my moisturizer, comb my eyebrows if I have a moment (and lightly even them out with a pencil if even more time), and then choose one of my reds and get to paintin’.  And then I’ll leave.  No concealer anywhere, no blush, no mascara, nothing beyond the red lip.  Today was one of these days, and I employed NARS Dragon Girl.  It’s brighter than the more scarlet Cruella, but I’ll take either one.

Considering my inability to wake up in a timely manner, I often find myself lacking the time to put on any sort of makeup before I leave the house for work.  I’ve discussed this before.  But it bums me out.  For as much of a crazy hoarder lady as I am when it comes to makeup, I have to say that I probably wear it just three out of seven days during the week.  It’s depressing too, because putting on makeup has the capabilities of relaxing and centering me, and I have to miss out on that creative moment just for myself.  But part of what prevents me from doing my makeup quickly is this belief that when I do it, I have to do a full routine.  And it’s not that a full routine necessarily takes a ton of time once I get going, but it’s just that I take about as long as an Ent to make a decision when it comes to makeup.  Seriously.  I’ll lay all of my makeup out in front of me and then just stare at it for a few minutes before I pick anything up.

What’s great about the red lip, however, is that it needs nothing else.  It really doesn’t.  No “full routine” is necessary.  I recently read an interview of makeup artist phenom Laura Mercier, and she talked about how you can find women all over her home country of France who wear absolutely no makeup everyday except for red lipstick.  Their hair is perhaps casually pulled back, their skin is bare, but their lips are painted vibrant red.  And somehow the touch of unabashedly glamorous red manages to pull your whole look together.  It looks intentional, and yet it still appears like you didn’t try too hard.  Like you just ascend to Audrey Hepburn levels of sophistication on a regular basis, even if you’re just in a sweater and jeans.

I do admit that I love the French beauty aesthetic a lot more than our American perspective on it.  The French idea of beauty tends to revolve a lot more around the natural and the subtle.  There’s a sense of restraint within French women when it comes to things like makeup and hair, and yet they’ll never be accused of not taking the subject seriously (but not in an obsessive manner like we tend to be used to … think more reverence than obsession).  Conversely, American beauty has few subtleties to it by comparison.  The idealized perception of Barbie and women like those we see in the Miss America pageant, the outlandish plastic surgery procedures we’ll undergo just to feel like a “hotter” version of ourselves, all the gloss, shadow, and false lashes we use, and the heavy face makeup that really doesn’t do a thing for your face other than make you look like the child of RuPaul … seriously, what we tend to perceive as light, day-time makeup here will fly as an over-done full face of crepe batter in France.

It isn’t that French women don’t try; it’s just that there’s a difference between, say, trying to look like a Victoria’s Secret model every day from the time you’re twenty until you’re fifty, as opposed to just simply trying to age gracefully when it needs to happen.  I’d like to think that what I’m doing (and not doing) to my skin today is actually an investment that will pay off when I’m sixty.  And finally, the most interesting part of French beauty culture to me is the fact that there’s zero emphasis on working out.  They take their time with food, eat a very balanced diet, and do plenty of walking, but the gym fanatic culture we see here in America doesn’t exist in France.  Whether a woman has a J.Lo butt and Gwen Stefani abs isn’t really a concern; it has more to do with a woman’s taste and how she carries herself.

I know all of this may sound like the very height of snobbery, and for that I apologize.  It’s just that getting acquainted with the French idea of beauty over the past couple years has given me the realization that getting ready, or should I say getting pulled together in a sophisticated way, doesn’t have to be as hard as a routine of eye makeup, face makeup, and curled hair.  In fact, sometimes doing just the opposite has a much chicer effect, and this has been nothing short of freeing for me personally.  Because I feel like concealer, bronzer, blush, eyeliner, and mascara are all necessary when I do my makeup, I give up on all of it all together when I don’t have the time.  But not so with the French!  Just grab the rouge and go, and if it can be so with the French, it can be so for moi.  xo, MR

p.s. Oh, have I been to France?  Nope.  But let me just say this- when I get there, DO NOT expect to find me galavanting around like an excited tourist.  I intend to blend in seamlessly, even if it means wearing a paper bag on my head as some kind of fashion-forward “statement” so I can hide from you.  I need to be taken seriously by the people that I so admire, and I’ll be not be outed by you ID-ing me as a ‘Murican!  If there is a ever a time when I need to look like I can cut you with my gaze, it’s when you find me in Paris.  I’ll be wearing the most uncomfortable plantar-fascitis-inducing heels with the most awesome, heavy, bad-for-travelling-but-good-for-looking-like-Catherine-Denueuve coat I can find.  I don’t have time for your comfy sweater-sets and walking shoes and backpacks!  What is that kind of foolery?!  Don’t look at me with your fanny pack in Paris.  DON’T look at me.

Oh now THIS is the kind of thing I LIVE for!!

Oh how thoroughly disappointing the SAG Awards were tonight.  The Golden Globes had been somewhat of a bore for me as well, and so I’d truly been looking forward to tonight’s red carpet with the hopes that someone … anyone … would put on a dress to make my jaw drop.  But alas, my jaw remains fully closed and in fact a little clenched in frustration.  Nights like this kill me.  I mean, yes, it’s great to look all boring kinds of sexy in a column dress so everyone can see that you can work your curves and blah blah blah, but let me tell you- I will continue to throw this at you until someone tops it.  When you, as a celebrity, have access to literally every great designer’s atelier on this planet and each one of those designers would give their right leg to dress you, thou shalt NOT waste my time with another monochromatic mermaid gown on the red carpet.  Grow a pair and actually take advantage of the fashion that’s at your over-privileged, perfectly manicured fingertips.  I mean seriously!  Do I have to rely on mah boo Marion for EVERYTHING?!

And so we’re moving on from this discussion to something else that’s fascinated me lately.  Oh, and how!  So, I purchased the latest issue of Self magazine for the purpose of motivating myself into a more regular gym routine.  I’d initially inserted about a million jokes here when first writing this, but I have to admit this is a completely true desire, void of any irony.  No, I’m not looking to Instagram pictures of my Fergie abs while I frolick around in a bikini at Stagecoach.  But I am looking to take seriously the idea that man cannot live on Cheetos alone, and if one does, a price must be paid in copious amounts of running and veggie consumption.

But I stumbled upon something funny while perusing this latest issue of Self, and it did nothing short of fuel the fires of Mount Doom in my Fergie tummy.

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Well, well, well, what have we here?!  The kind of article I live for- the kind that asks what guys really think of the stuff we do with our hair, face, and body, and how we should take such opinions into account when we get ready to bring our ugly selves out of our Hobbit holes and into daylight for presentation!  Excellent!

So, I guess the deal with these is that you’ve got some panel of highly qualified dudes (guys that know lots about the wiminfolks, cause they haz a Y-chromosome and eyeballz) that look at various celebrity photos and rate YEAH, BRAH! or NAH, BRAH! while throwing back a can of mildly-flavored pee Coors Light.  Totes fersh, breh.  And so above we have our first exhibit- Jessica Biel demonstrating nail color and ombre’d hair.  The verdict on nails?  Well Lord bless ’em, the lads say they don’t care!  Sweet relief for us!  “That’s something only girls notice”, dude-breh-number-one says.  Oh, but notice that dude-breh says those nails had BETTER NOT be chipped, lest we be perceived as someone who has a life doesn’t have time to keep her nails perfectly manicured!

And the verdict on ombre’d hair?  A resounding “Hell, no!” from dude-breh-number-two.  His reasoning?  “She looks like she didn’t make it to the salon for a year.”  Right.  Because like the dude-brehs always say, they definitely don’t want a girl who looks like she “tries too hard” or “wears makeup”, but we can’t be having a woman looking like she doesn’t try hard enough either.  MAKES SENSE.  I’m sorry Patrick Bateman, but it’s been hard trying to find that right balance between J. Lo and Jennifer Garner for you, or excuse me, that right balance between CAN’T and CAN’T for you.  If Jessica Biel’s hair looks “un-maintained” to you, look forward to seeing me looking nothing short of BEAT next season when I get mine re-ombre’d.  Consider it my gift to you.

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Let’s see, the next victims- Blake Lively with her fishtail braid, short-haired girls, the how-much-makeup question, and a few others.  Of course, that braid is a no from the dude-brehs because “it probably took three hours”.  No, you dum-dum.  It took three minutes because the thing’s probably a bloody extension.  And even if it isn’t (considering Blake is known to have Rapunzel hair), bear this in mind the next time your girlfriend has nice, blown-out, shiny hair that’s left down and casual with soft, “effortless” waves- that probably took three hours.

Oh and take note- NO SHORT HAIR.  DUDE-BREH WILL NOT APPROACH YOU AND OFFER YOU A JAGER BOMB FROM HIS ED HARDY-ADORNED SELF IF YOU’VE GOT THE SHORT HAIRS.  But we are told, quite graciously, “If you look like Halle Berry, then you can go short”.  Oh thanks man!  I mean, I know that Halle spends literally thousands of dollars to maintain her looks each year alone and that if any of us did that you’d immediately judge us for being “too high maintenance”, but it’s a free pass for Halle and all her look-alikes!  Oh wait, there are no Halle look-alikes?  And even Halle doesn’t look like Halle without her Revlon to make her Photo-Ready?  Woops.

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Here are a few more.  We’re given the green light for glossy lips because  apparently they say “a girl wants to make out”, and we’re given a thumbs-down on sleek hair with this astute observation- “Bet she’s wearing really uncomfortable shoes”.  But have hope!  Here’s what we’re finally left with as a conclusion:  We’re told in the Editor’s note on the right that “Confidence trumps all, and they want to sleep with you no matter what.  Like what you see in the mirror.”  Oh, I see, so back-track on this entire article because you know it’s the most misogynistic thing you may have ever published in your sorry magazine, but be SURE to validate us in the best, most helpful way possible- by reassuring us that every guy wants to sleep with us just because we’re … girls.

I can’t even begin to delve into the devastating moral and spiritual implications of this article, but I’ll attempt to be brief in my commentary.  Magazines like Self claim to celebrate you as you, and yet they’re fraught with quiet-yet-somehow-explicit suggestions on how to make yourself better, more desirable, more worthy of that celebration.  Some of these suggestions, as in ones pertaining to diet and health in general, are genuinely helpful and sometimes necessary in our lives.  Others, however, are backwards and hypocritical to a degree that has the potential to lay waste to anything helpful a publication may previously have done.  It is frustrating that this article was found in a magazine written for women, and by women, but features like this truly do a disservice to both sexes.  Women are once again subjected to depthless, crude evaluation that leaves them insecure and anxious, and they’re fed the lie that the ultimate compliment a guy could possibly pay you is wanting you physically.  Men, on the other hand, are portrayed as animalistic, thoughtless jackasses that could not care less about the content of one’s character because they’re solely interested in sex.  It’s a bloody shame, it is.

Here’s what I’ll leave you with- Try the weird hair-do.  Put on the red lipstick that may cause a couple guys to say you look like a clown (true story in my life).  Wear no makeup.  Wear too much makeup.  Make “mistakes”.  And extend the same grace to the dude-brehs when they wear too much Tim McGraw cologne, when they’ve got an awful case of the neck-beard, or when they think it’s cool to look like this.  We’ll all keep up with our same weird beauty and grooming habits, and I’ll keep blogging about all of it.  Do this for fun.  Do this because you like it.  And if it bothers you that I don’t like your sock-bun, just do it anyways.  You know you love that hairy donut on top of your head.  Don’t let me take that love from you.  xo, MR

Gettin’ all old-timey kinds of purtty. Or, styling myself in a smashing Mojave Desert wedding shoot.

This is my first post on makeup I’ve done on myself.  Alright, I see that’s somewhat inaccurate.  I should say that this is the first post of makeup I’ve done on myself for a photo shoot (and that’s not many).  It’s easy for me to be overly critical of my own work, and especially work from over a year ago because … I don’t know … something about this year kind of just raised my standards on makeup all around, and it probably has something to do with the fact that I’ve started doing bridal makeup for others and the pressure’s gone from cat-sitting-on-my-chest to elephant-sitting-on-my-chest.  I’m happy to say that I’m still pleased with what I did for my wedding makeup, and I’ll post on that later.

But for this post, I once again invoke the magical name of Bethany Carlson (sorry for the wizard-y phrasing … too much Harry Potter lately).  Nearly a year ago, Bethany developed a concept for a mock wedding that she wanted to shoot, and she asked my husband and I to model for her.  The main point was to shoot in the Nevada desert around 4:00 pm in order to catch the perfect light of the “golden hour”.  The styling of the shoot was something we weren’t entirely sure of to begin with, but we knew we wanted to go for something dramatic if it was possible.  I set out to find some kind of white dress (any kind of wedding-type dress, really) that would hopefully set the tone for the shoot.

Somehow I ended up finding this for the rental cost of $35.00 at a vintage and costume store maybe two miles away from my apartment.  Believe me- I’m flabbergasted, even ’til this day.  One does not simply find an incredible 1970’s gunnysack wedding gown in decent condition for the rental cost of $35.00!

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I’d really wanted to find a dress with character for the shoot, and upon trying it on and realizing that it nearly fit (being a little big in the waist), I figured I probably wouldn’t happen upon such a unique item at this kind of price, with this kind of close fit, ever again.  I was sold (and to actually buy the dress would’ve only cost an extra thirty bucks!).  Bethany was able to go all-out with prop styling once she’d seen the dress, and the shoot’s aesthetic developed into an almost Downton Abbey-inspired look with some antique Western elements happening (and she even had invitations created!).  Now, I know the dress looks all soft and dainty in the photos, but believe me, it was like wearing a couple of tumbleweeds stitched together.  The thing itched like fresh-cut grass on your freshly-shaven shins.  Some of the lace trimming was tearing, it looked more yellow than any kind of ivory in a few spots, and it smelled old.  It also was lacking any lining or slip, so I had to find a flesh-colored cami and pair of dance shorts to wear beneath it (and I wanted you to be able to see through it more or less, because sheer was going to be big for that spring).  But let me tell you, that dress just seemed to come alive in the desert, in that light.  Bethany found gloves, put together a silk bouquet in sync with the color scheme of the desert, and things just happened.

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Hair and makeup were all on my end, and I was more than excited about it.  Now, I have to confess that for my hair, I tried a new technique I’d learned that proved a bit ambitious.  I blew my hair out straight for the most part that morning, and then proceeded to take 1-2 inch sections of it and twirl them up into pin-curls all around my head.  I secured them with bobby pins and light hair spray, with the intention of leaving them in for 45 minutes.  They were in for nearly two hours.  My bad.  So, you may feel that my hair looks a tad wonky from some angles, but I tried to just do my best Janice Dickinson and werk it.  A couple sections of hair just weren’t able to relax much because they’d been pinned for too long, but that goes for most of us anxious people- Stay wound up for too long, and you’ll find that you’re never able to relax again.  But honestly, it didn’t really matter.

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In doing makeup, I learned the real reason why celebrities have a team of artists there for every shoot- That junk’s gotta get reapplied every five minutes for it to even look remotely similar to how it originally looked.  But did I touch up at all once we got going on the shoot?  Nope.  My bad.  That was a major note-to-self:  Despite however much you may have put on to begin with and despite whatever Armageddon-strength primer you use, it will wear off and you’ll need to touch-up.  How can you get your makeup to last all day?  By reapplying it every three hours, that’s how.  And we weren’t dealing with heat or wind or hostile elements of any kind out there.  In fact, it was decently chilly and still as death.  Seriously!  This is where the mob takes you to put you out for a dirt nap!  See those mountains behind me?  Know where that is?  It’s nowhere.

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For my face, I wanted a navy-blue smokey eye with basically just bronzer on the cheeks.  I can barely remember everything I used for this shoot because I kind of flew by the seat of my pants, but I do know I used an awesome deep navy shadow by Urban Decay called Perversion, and for bronzer I tend to use nothing other than NARS’ Laguna.  I didn’t use false lashes (my bad), but there was plenty of MAC Kohl Liner in Smolder.  Yes, I’m lookin’ at you, Glamberace.  And I seriously couldn’t tell you what I did, if anything, to my lips.

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Bethany and her husband literally piled a room full of furniture in and on top of their car for the drive out to our desert spot.  The two of them found and brought along table settings, chairs, DOORS, everything.  Oh, and we were packed in that car too.  I can’t describe what the whole experience felt like other than Wow … we’re doing this? … we’re doing this … we DID this!  It was literally a game of chasing the light and watching it all come together.  It was thrilling.

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I loved everything about this.  Bethany was on her A-game (though I have yet to see a shoot of hers that presents otherwise), I felt proud of my own styling (even if it wasn’t perfectly executed), and my husband was looking all kinds of old-timey handsome.  And look at the prop concept Bethany designed!  Again, I really can’t encourage you enough to take a stare peep at my dear friend’s work, and who knows?  Maybe one day you’ll find yourself all alone in a desert getting shot.  Hopefully it’s just not by someone named something like Toothpick Charlie or Luca Brasi.  xo, MR

All photos in this post are credited to Bethany Carlson Photography.  For more of Bethany’s work and for more of this shoot, visit her site/blog at http://www.bethanycarlson.com.

WORST Beauty Moments of 2012 … or, in which I give cause for everyone to hate me.

Cool your jets.  Yes, I haven’t even said anything yet and I’m already telling you to cool your jets, just in case.

I initially began writing a post on my favorite beauty moments of 2012, but then I thought to my self, “Self, you’ve kind of sprinkled your favorite bits in posts throughout the entire year already.  No one’s shocked to see another shot of Keira or Kate on this blog.  What may be shocking though, self, is what folks discover that you actually don’t like.  And let’s face it, self- we’re always a little more interested at hearing about what bugs the crap out of us as opposed to what we squeal over.”  And admittedly, many of the “worsts” seen here may not be that shocking to some of you at all anymore.  If you read regularly, you know what I like and what I don’t.  But in case some of the following does take you by surprise and you find yourself wanting to set fire to me, let me just preface by saying this: Relax.  This is just me giving my opinion.

#1  Demi Lovato perfectly demonstrating my concept of “overcooked” and my eternal frustration with extensions.

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Too … much … everything.  I literally want to rip the extensions right out of her scalp.  Or brush them like a crazed maniac until they cease to look like Disney princess wig strands.  And if these are not, in fact, extensions, well, they look like it and that’s still a problem.  And the shape of the hair looks rather like pigtails with a life of their own as opposed to healthy, curled locks.  They’re so perfectly positioned, it’s like someone’s taped them to her blouse.  Just makes me wanna chop ’em.  Chop ’em right off.  And then there’s always the very makeup-looking makeup.  And the nose piercing.  And the tan.  And the door knocker earrings.  And the cleavage.  And you get it.

#2  Julianne Hough doing it wrong.

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By now you all know that I love me a messy topknot.  I like ’em nice and unflattering, and right there at the top of the head.  So very Je ne sais quois, so very Man Repeller.  However, when you find yourself in a fancy dress at a fancy premiere, it might be time for a touch of effort.  But what gets me about this  particular topknot is that I’ve got a bad feeling that whatever stylist responsible for this (maybe even Julianne herself) tried too hard to not seem like they were trying too hard.  Know what I’m saying?  Like, I get the whole 21st-century irony of going for a messy topknot in a designer gown, but you can still detect the hard work that unfortunately went into this.  You see the pins.  You see the pretty, well-done makeup oddly-yet-intentionally juxtaposed against the haphazard hair.  You see how the knot is so obviously off-center on her head with its plainly uneven shape, almost as if it was planned.  The point of topknots is to not give a damn.  This one, all too clearly, does.

#3  People cut their hairs off.

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I know, I KNOOOOOW.  But before you get your panties all in a wad, keep this in mind- I am simply very strongly attached to hair with length.  This one is truly more of a personal “worst”, and there’s no expectation to agree that Miley’s or Anne’s or anyone’s pixie cut is bad (and I wasn’t exactly a fan of Miley’s look before anyhow).  In fact, it’s pretty safe to say that these haircuts are quite good.  Anne looks great, and the cut does nothing if not frame her beautiful face and earn her that Oscar that she’s so desperately been jonesing for.  But again, just bear in mind that I’ve got a thing for long hair that you can do stuff with.  It’s just me.  I couldn’t do what Anne did, or I’d at least do it and then shamelessly plop a Kate Beckinsale wig on my head for the next six months to come.  In her own words, “I dreamed a dream of times gone byyyyyy, with lots of hair and lots of braidiiiiiiing …”.

#4  Taylor Swift still looking like Taylor Swift.

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Fine.  Hate me.  Hate me with everything you’ve got, but I don’t care.  It’s time for a change with this one, it is.  And this one looks like nothing if not Disney princesses personified, so you know that’s really saying something when it comes from me.  I applaud Taylor for sticking to her stylistic guns, but you’ll have to forgive me for saying that there’s just not enough excitement for me in her look.  I’m bored.  To tears.  Taylor made the Earth-shattering change of adding red lipstick to her look some years ago, then shocked the world by styling her hair straight instead of with those teenage curly-cues we were so used to!  THEN she cut BANGS!  What WILL she do NEXT?!  I mean, Nicki Minaj must’ve gotten a hold of her or something … BANGS!!!

#5  People pinning airbrushed, Photoshopped, Kim Kardashian-esque eyeshadow looks to their Pinterest boards.

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Because nothing inspires more confidence in a makeup artist (for brides, no less) than seeing something like this and a caption below reading “PERFECT FOR WEDDING!!!  EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!!!!”.  Yes, you pin looks for the purpose of suggestion, for inspiration.  But bear in mind that the perfection typically exhibited on such images like the one above usually involves Photoshop editing, like that used for photo spreads in magazines.  It takes a steady hand to create this look, along with a steady few clicks of a mouse.  But I will, however, submit that I could recreate this look to the best of my abilities, given all the proper resources.  Just don’t freak out when you see a tiny bit of eyeshadow fall-out on your cheekbone, and relax!  I’ll have these with me!

#6  Speaking of Kim Kardashian …

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Yes, Kim.  Thank you for the contouring tips.  But now that we all know that you have to paint A TREE on your face everyday to look the way you normally do as you stomp the pavement with Tracy Jordan Kanye West at your side, I can’t say that we’re all that interested anymore.  Or at least, I’m not.  And that tree on your forehead isn’t including the rest of the clown mask you’ve got going on there.  For the runway, yes.  For the pavement with Tracy Jordan, no.

#7  THIS IS NOT THE FACE OF SNOW WHITE.

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This … I … I can’t even.  I.  CAN’T. EVEN.  Yes, I know we’re going for the face of the I-pull-myself-up-by-my-own-armored-bootstraps, I-play-in-the-mud-and-I-wield-a-sword-and-I-won’t-be-gender-stereotyped feminist Snow White.  And toward that I have no qualms.  But THIS is not even THAT face.  This face may have remained fixed with this EXACT expression for the entirety of the film (that so sorely disappointed me that I can hardly bear to discuss it).  And in fact, I’m pretty sure we can find this expression on Ms. Stewart’s face  throughout every other film she’s been featured in this side of FOREVER.  But the red lips, the alabaster skin, the hair a shade of raven’s black … I got none of it in Snow White and the Huntsman.  I get that the point wasn’t to Disney-fy Snow White in this case, but the look just wasn’t there.  I don’t know.  Maybe that’s the problem.  Maybe I just don’t know what I want, and maybe it’s not such a problem with the styling as it is with the confession that I just didn’t want her.

#8  Christina Aguilera looking like she rolled around in the MAC stockroom.

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We’ve already discussed this situation, so I won’t add much.  But the lavender ombre’ really caps it off for me.  It’s subtle, like a garlic sandwich.

#9  Justin Bieber looking prettier than Kate Beckinsale.

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Those baby pink lips.  That perfectly smooth skin.  Those fluttery eyelashes.  Those immaculate eyebrows!  That shiny hair with those beautiful diamonds!  No, I’m not talking about a Victoria’s Secret Angel strutting her stuff in the Fantasy Bra on the catwalk, or some girl that George Clooney is seducing in Lake Como.  I’m talking about Justin Bieber.  Yes, this guy, the alleged heartthrob of this current generation of young teenage girls.  Maybe I’m just partial to the scruffy, rugged look, or maybe I’m not being patient and allowing puberty to catch up with ole’ Justin, or MAYBE I’m just NOT cool with the fact that this, *ahem*, young man so clearly spends more time in front of the mirror applying his Creme de la Mer and strawberry-scented Bonne Bell lipgloss than I ever have or ever will.

#10  And lastly, the kicker …

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Um, ma’am?  Excuse me, ma’am?  You … you’ve got a sock on your head. I know you’ve shaped it into a purty little Cinnabon roll the size of a cabbage with your hair, but … you’ve got a sock on your head.  Oh, but I can’t see the sock?  Well, here’s the problem- I still know it’s there.  And it’s bothering me.  I want to poke it.  I want to poke it bad.  I want to shove my foot in your sock-hairs so I can keep warm in the winter cold.  Oh, you’ve cut a hole in that sock?  Well then lend it to me as a wristband for my awesomely sweaty workout.

Consider sock-buns the Bump-It of 2012.  Every time I saw some girl last year with a conveniently-placed tuft of volume at the top of her head, I so desperately wanted to play Whack-A-Mole and throw down a hammer on that bump just to see if it was some Bump-It impostor or if it was just real hair, teased and sprayed for height.  Same game goes for sock-buns this year.  Should you ever feel some bony finger poking your giant bun on the back of your head, I apologize in advance.  It’s just me being curious.

Welp, there you have it.  I’ve got a feeling I’ll be cranking out a “Best of” list sometime soon in order to make up for this one, but in the meantime, enjoy.  And you be sure to let me know if you’re feeling particularly enraged by any of the aforementioned.  I’ll send you a complimentary sock in the mail.  xo, MR

The talented magician and the beautiful girl that the magician saws in half.

I shall be raving about *two* people that I love on this particular post.  Let me begin by saying this:  It takes two components to create a good magic show.  First, you must have a talented and crafty magician.  And second, you must have a beautiful girl that the magician impresses his or her audience with, an assistant of sorts that the magician then magically saws in half (or something like that) that causes everyone to gasp and say their “Oohs!” and “Aahs!”.  Both are essential for a great magic show.  I’ll also admit that I got to play a little part in this show, too- I got to be the makeup wizard for the beautiful girl that gets sawed in half.  I would’ve been glad to simply have been the rabbit that gets pulled out of a hat for this one, so needless to say, I was quite thrilled with my role.

For this particular magic show, let me first introduce you to the beautiful girl that gets sawed in half.

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This is Ali.  It’s Alison, really, but everyone calls her Ali and she is beautiful.  I’ve known her for a while now, and for as long as I have known her she and Mike have been together.  These two are awesome, to say the least.  Their engagement is one that a lot of folks have been excited for, and needless to say I was ecstatic when Ali asked me to be one of her bridesmaids next summer.  In addition to this though, I shall also have the honor of being Ali’s makeup artist for her big day.  Double stoked.

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Ali and Mike had their engagement shoot in early December at Disneyland on a Friday morning, and I was initially so bummed because I already knew I’d be teaching that morning so I’d have no chance to do her makeup.  But then it dawned on me- Ali lives right by the school I was booked for, and I was going to have a free hour in the earlier part of the school day, so why not do her makeup beforehand at the school?!  Let me tell you, it’s a little awkward doing someone’s makeup in a teacher’s lounge as teachers pass you by and whisper, “Maybe it’s Maybelline!”, but hey, I was asking for it.  And it was worth it.  And there’s nothing better to give me energy before teaching high-schoolers than doing makeup for a friend!

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I went for a more dramatic eye on Ali (because let’s face it- those eyes are too much fun) using L’Oreal’s eyeshadow that I talked about here, and we did some false lashes too because she’d never done them before!  And of course, falsies are great for photos because they ensure that your eyes will not be ignored (Dan!).  I used my trusty neon-hued NARS blush in Exhibit A to also help Ali’s cheekers not go unnoticed, too.  And Ali and I are both huge fans of BareMinerals Original SPF15 Foundation, so we naturally stuck to it.  And check out Mike!  Ain’t he a regular ole’ Captain America?!

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Ok, now let me introduce you to the talented magician behind this magic show.

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This is the lovely face behind Mike and Ali’s amazing Disneyland shoot- Bethany Carlson.  I had the privilege of having Bethany as one of my own bridesmaids, and there are few individuals I know so personally that are so deeply talented.  Seriously, I mean it when I call Bethany a magician.  I’ll be posting in a bit on a bridal shoot she did of my husband and I (I’ll give you two hints- Downton Abbey and Mojave desert), but all I can really do now is encourage, no, implore you to check out her site here for some of what I’d shamelessly call the most stunning wedding and engagement photography you’ll ever see in your life.  All Bethany seems to see through her lens is romance and beauty, and some of her work from this past year is nothing short of breathtaking.  I also have to briefly toot my own horn and say that I had the pleasure of doing Bethany’s hair and makeup for this particular shot, which is credited to Damaris Mia (and I so wish I could credit you more, Damaris!  Please send me a link if you have your own blog so I can share it!).

I can hardly wait to be part of Ali’s wedding next year, whether it’s by helping her into her dress, applying those finicky false lashes, or being photographed alongside her by Bethany!  xo, MR

All of the shots in this post are credited to Bethany Carlson Photography, except for the shot of Bethany which is credited to Damaris Mia.  For more of Bethany’s work (and in case you were silly and didn’t follow the previous link), check out her site at http://www.bethanycarlson.com.  The girl does not disappoint.

P.S. Oh, and if any of you caught the Fatal Attraction reference in the middle of this post, a million points for you.

On January, drugstore makeup, and why Olivia Wilde may hate me after reading this.

January is a funny month.  The huge climax of the holiday season has worn off, it’s consistently cold out, and things go back into their typically mundane routines.  You’ve got all your new gifts (and might be over them already), have probably returned from your vacations, and are perhaps well on your way to breaking keeping any resolutions you’ve made for the new year.  You work out, you go the movies, you shop around for yourself … nothing particularly special.  Nothing particularly new.

What I love about the fashion and beauty spheres, however, is that everything is always new.  Everything is always forward.  You are more than welcome to enjoy the present moment with all its current trends and styles and happenings, but you also have every right to anticipate the coming season with all the excitement and future-minded thinking in your being.  In fact, it’s the only way to operate in such a world.  In fashion and beauty, it’s never too early.  The magazine issues you are seeing on stands today are the January issues (and they’ve been there for at least a week now), and they will all have some kind of spring preview in them.  The spring previews will only continue to grow bigger in the February issues, until the March issue comes out and there you’ve got the second biggest month for fashion and beauty publications of the year next to September.  And I love that things work this way.  There’s always something to look forward to.  In fashion and beauty, today is pretty much yesterday, and tomorrow can be seen everywhere today, and yesterday will probably serve as the inspiration for tomorrow so be sure to hold on to yesterday’s stuff today just in case for tomorrow.  Yes, fashion just got meta, Looper style.

So, where in the beauty world can we see tomorrow, today?  Well, if you keep up with any beauty blogs or magazines, you may have noticed articles or features over the past month beginning to drop the names of products that you’ve never heard of.  Like, you’ll see a feature on some makeup guru’s “must-haves” and they’ll mention some kind of lipstick or  whatever that you’ve never found in a drugstore.  For all you know, it doesn’t even exist.  That’s because us low-life plebeians can’t get our hands on such things yet because the product hasn’t been launched to retailers, but January is usually the time that you’ll see them making their first appearances!  Now, the new products have all been sent in advance to important folks in the beauty world (celebrity makeup artists, etc.) to get the word out early, and of course, part of getting the word out is mentioning them in magazines and interviews to ramp up public anticipation.  January is also a common time to release advertising campaigns featuring a new spokesmodel.  My best example I can think of for this year would be Lea Michele for L’Oreal Paris.  Next time you see Lea in a magazine, you can bet your butt that she’ll be either in a L’Oreal ad, pictured alongside some kind of L’Oreal product, or she’ll speak about it in any kind of interview for the next couple months.  Last year around this time, it was Emma Stone and Olivia Wilde for Revlon.

I admit that I get a bit cynical about spokesmodel campaigns because I feel those kajillion-dollar contracts seem to discourage these women from being truthful about what products they really use and really enjoy.  I mean, prior to being paid enough money to support all of Indonesia for a year by Almay for her current spokesmodel campaign, did Kate Hudson really love and use their products?  Somehow, I think being paid what I’ll probably make in thirty years of work for a single two-to-three-year contract makes that drugstore makeup and box-dye haircolor a lot more effective to you- yeah, I’m looking at you, Gwen Stefani.  You will literally never convince me that the QUEEN of platinum blonde hair regularly uses L’Oreal Preference box dye for those icy perfect locks of hers.  Never.  And isn’t Olivia Wilde some kind of proud vegan?  Why, oh why, would you agree to be a spokesmodel for Revlon, a brand that (like most drugstore cosmetic brands) is notorious for animal testing and nowhere near natural in it’s ingredients, if you’ve claimed to adopt such a lifestyle?  Oh, they’re paying you my dad’s salary times a thousand to do it?  Yep.  Sounds like a good time for looser vegan standards to me, too.

Anyhow, for as much as I bash on drugstore products and all the advertisements they come with, it still is exciting to see them make their debut.  A junkie is a junkie is a junkie, and I’ll come clean and say if I were extended a whopper of a contract to grin and bear it for Maybelline, I’d take it (or at least, with what I’m currently earning I would).  I was wandering through a Walgreens earlier today and it looks like January came early (which is no surprise, since, again, everything is early in these spheres)!

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As you can see here, we’ve got all kinds of newness coming from the folks at L’Oreal.  New hair products for the EverCare line, new shadow palettes, all sorts of stuff.  And there’s Lea, peeking out from behind the Telescopic Shocking mascara!

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Here’s what’s new from Revlon.  I think they’re trying to make a pretty big deal out of that Nearly Naked makeup line, as Revlon threw a giant launch party for it complete with an appearance by Emma as its spokemodel.

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Additionally from L’Oreal- A huge new line of hair care products (and not just in addition to the sulfate-free EverCare line).  This line is simply called L’Oreal Advanced Haircare, but there are five types of product families within it to suit all kinds of needs (like dryness, color treated, etc.).  And there’s Lea’s face again!  I doubt these items will match up to salon quality or beat more natural care for your hair, but time will tell if any of these products give effective results and become household staples.

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I took a shot of all the five families in this line except for the kind tailored toward “dry” hair (and it’s minty-green packaging).

So as 2012 winds down and 2013 begins to take the stage, be anticipating all these items to appear in your local drugstores very soon.  And just learn to deal with the lies of Halle Berry saying that Revlon has made her “photo ready”, while failing to credit her skincare routine that costs the price of Brazil with tax and consists of a moisturizer made with one drop of blood from every endangered species on the planet and hand-crushed tea leaves from the top of Mount Kilimanjaro.  And something called “Adobe Photoshop”.  xo, MR

Explain this to me.

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Ok, so by now you know (that is, you know if you read this thing regularly) that I’m not exactly a fan of the kind of look I like to call “overcooked”.  Overcooked tends to look, well, over done.  And over done tends to look like this.  There are perfectly lacquered lips in some sort of bright shade, no doubt.  There is evident contouring.  There are false eyelashes.  There is plenty of eye makeup besides the false eyelashes.  There is obvious airbrushing and filtering.  There is perfectly curled platinum blonde hair (though they’ve likely strapped on some extensions that don’t need much curling, because extensions tend to have a curly life of their own).  There is an amount of face makeup that I could not even begin to quantify because while the point of airbrushing and filtering is to give the illusion that she has flawless skin, they ironically had to first slather on the pancake frosting MAC Studio Fix (yes, I frequently jab at this stuff) to initially prime the canvas.

I think this kind of look, however, frustrates me so much on Christina because she literally looks like this at every appearance, on every show, in every video, at every concert, in every advertisement.  I have the same beef with Kim Kardashian.  It’s just too much.  And when “too much” is “all the time”, “too much” starts to actually become boring.  When you are literally always looking like you just spent three hours in the makeup chair and an hour or two at the salon getting your hair wound around a curling rod, there’s no room for the really exciting “SHAZAM!” moments.  Doing the whole “long get-ready” process (as I call it) loses its thrill because that is your life every day.  As the years go by, how much fun can there be in getting dolled up when you have always gotten dolled up, every day of your life?!

My favorite parts of my week are always the one or two afternoons of “transformation”.  I won’t have worn a stitch of makeup (probably for lack of time and energy) for a few days, and I’ll come home from work with a couple hours to spare.  I’ll put on a face mask, cover my hair in oils, and watch a couple episodes of I Love Lucy.  I’ll then take a looooong shower where I’ll wash my hair (every fourth day), and leave conditioner in it as I do the rest of my shower stuff.  Then, if I have the energy, I’ll blow out my hair or I’ll just let it air-dry if I’m feeling lazy (which is most of the time), and I’ll go back an hour later and fix any kinks with a curling rod.  I’ll then slather on my moisturizer and apply as much or as little makeup as I like.  This is my happy place.

But what makes this my happy place is that I don’t get to indulge in it too frequently.  I look forward to it, and I savor it.  There are so many days in between where I smell, have bags under my eyes and un-groomed brows, and my hair is just … there.  I’ll just manage to get moisturizer on and that’ll be it for the day.  And while this frequently occurs out of laziness, I’ve also come to realize that I want to be able to take my time.  I hate rushing a process that I absolutely love, and so I’m finding that when I don’t have enough time to just relax and enjoy getting ready, I’d rather not “get ready” at all.  It’s the first clothes I can find, throwing my hair up or putting on a hat, applying lip balm, and I’m done.  I’d rather not even try than rush myself and not put real thought into my hair and makeup.

Maybe Christina gets to look so dolled up all the time because it’s part of her job.  And she has a crew of twenty ready to make it happen for her at a moment’s notice.  But regardless, I just know that I never want “dolled up” to be the regular for me.  At least, not the Christina kind of dolled up.  xo, MR

P.S.  Oh, and can someone also please explain the phrase “Sometimes all you need is red” to me?  I mean, really.  People gathered around a little conference table and thought of that.  And they thought it made sense, or that it was enticing.  Red food dye?  Red hair?  Red hot sauce?  Taylor Swift’s new album?  Now, if it said, “Sometimes all you need are those red Flamin’ Hot Cheetos”, I’d get it.  I’d get it.

On how I was once told that I look like Severus Snape. And how someone fixed that.

I’ve never done a “before and after” makeover.  Ever.  I just haven’t had the opportunity, and I mean, I usually like to think that the “before” isn’t that bad.  However, this past week I made contact with an old childhood friend who needed a model for some before-and-after makeover shots.  Lauren had been working at the Laura Mercier counter at the Nordstrom in South Coast Plaza, and she’d been given an opportunity to pursue a counter manager position for Trish McEvoy at a different Nordstrom location.  One requirement for the position- produce some before-and-after shots of a model for direct approval by Trish McEvoy herself.  So Lauren threw up a little Facebook “Help me!” one night in search of a model, and I figured hey, I’ve never done it before, I had the time, and I’d love to catch up with a childhood friend, so why not?

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Welp, I know my initial thoughts regarding this whole thing were “Why not?”, but upon seeing the results of Lauren’s work, I think we’ve got a pretty good idea of, “Oh … that’s why”.

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Now, I do not mean to go on any kind of self-deprecating rant here.  I’ve always found an abundance of self-deprecation to be disingenuous for the most part, smacking of a sad search for affirmation.  When well-placed and given in moderation, self-deprecation can actually be my favorite kind of humor (read: Liz Lemon), but I try not to make it my go-to.  So know this: I’m being honest.

But let me tell you that upon showing these shots to my dad, he said that I looked like Severus Snape in the one to the left.  Yes, Dad was paying me the highly-coveted compliment of saying that I look like this man.  How fortunate am I among women!  But you know, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that, well, I couldn’t detect just a little bit of resemblance.  I mean, one of my regular coffee shop customers has told me within this past month that A) I look like Orlando Bloom and B) I look like a page boy.  And no, we’re not talking Orlando Bloom in full Nordic-blonde extensions Legolas-tic glory here.  While most women these days would love to be told that they look like Miranda Kerr, I was bestowed the honor of being told that I look like the dude that married and made a baby with Miranda Kerr.  But I mean, in regards to my “before” picture, I admit that I myself exclaimed that I looked like a gender-ambiguous prison inmate upon seeing it.  And it probably doesn’t help that the expression on my face seems to be bordering on Charlie Sheen mugshot territory.  But hey, it happens.  We’ve all got our Severus Snape/Charlie Sheen/Orlando Bloom days, and it’s for reasons like this that we can all appreciate miracle-workers like Lauren.

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I absolutely loved Lauren’s work.  She stuck to a palette of matte, brownish neutrals for my eyes, really played up my brows (which I loved), and we ended up doing more of a warm, coral lip.  I also loved her application of my face makeup because while she used a good number of products, she applied them in thin, sheer layers and blended them seamlessly to the point where I didn’t look like I was truly wearing makeup- it rather looked like I had perfect skin with subtle contouring.  Lauren was also honest in naming products that she was more excited about than others, and in steering me away from a couple that she wasn’t the biggest fan of.  And trust me- you are hard pressed to find a salesperson in the beauty industry that will be honest in their opinion of products that they have every opportunity to make commission on.  It’s almost always about the up-sale, but with Lauren I walked away with a gorgeous makeup job and a true education.  If you ever find yourself in need of a most excellent makeup artist while perusing the ever-intimidating grounds of the Nordstrom beauty department, know that Lauren is your girl.  I’ll be going back for that Laura Mercier Mineral Illuminating Powder in Starlight, Lauren!  You rock!  Lauren’s been working on a blog of her own recently that you can follow her at: http://www.loveyourlipgloss.com

And I have to add, simply because of all the grand compliments I’ve been receiving lately, that Lauren sent in the pictures for review (with a predictably positive outcome, thanks to Lauren’s talent) and Trish McEvoy herself called me beautiful … *squeal*.  Take that, Snape.  xo, MR

On how I once saw my face in a magazine.

Confession- it has been a gnarly week.  I mean like, knots-and-glue-in-your-hair gnarly.  Family in the ER, intense encounters with students dealing with mental disorders, nightmares about said students, friends dealing with scary situations, hostile customers at work, random disappointments here and there- enough to keep you feeling like painting your nails is pretty meaningless.  But as I reflect on this past week, I’m reminded that small things like painting your nails are blessings that do have meaning.  They’re rituals.  They’re routines that we go through to jog our memories of what we love and how much we have to be thankful for.  They’re routines that remind us of beauty and joy, and that we need to peace and order to function.  Things like that center us and give us rest.

So, I came home on Friday from a long week in much need of that kind of rest.  I was able to wash and blow out my hair (not two things I frequently do together), and draw on some serious Friday night eyeliner (MAC eye kohl in Smolder, and in case you’re wondering, Adam Lambert uses the same stuff so you get the picture).  My husband and I went to a new restaurant in one of our favorite hoods (downtown Fullerton) that did not disappoint, spent time (laughing, belching, sometimes swearing) with a couple of our favorite people over dinner, and watched some It’s Always Sunny.  I ate mac and cheese and played with a cat.  It was good night and I was provided with the exact kind of rest I needed.  But here’s a little somethin’-somethin’ that made coming home yesterday really good … I found this little gem in our mailbox:

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Yes, it was the January 2013(!) issue of InStyle magazine with Amanda Seyfried looking the Grace Kelly kind of classy on the cover.  My heart skipped a beat.  And not only because finding new mags in my mailbox is definitely on my top five list of favorite things ever, but because I also knew that this was the issue that would, in fact, be featuring my face.  And there I was, on page 20, victory rolls and all.  Remember that post that I um … posted?   I know I called them “liberty rolls”, and I suppose their true name, at least according the Andrews Sisters and every Rosie the Riveter out there who kissed a WWII vet, is actually “victory rolls”, but who cares when you’re wearing them in a magazine.  Here I am wearing liberty, no, victory, I mean, here I am wearing WHATEVER ROLLS!

And so I have found my relaxation for the weekend.  Even today, I was able to spend some time catching up with a friend wandering around my lovely neighborhood, and for me, relaxation naturally also comes in the form of stuff like this:

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Face mask, hair mask, completely natural body wash that I (finally) found on sale, and Clarins’ uhhhhh-mazing brightening energy mask known as Beauty Flash Balm that has garnered a cult following of its own.  That’s some ok-now-that-you’ve-rested-let’s-wake-you-the-frack-up beauty routine going on for a Saturday.  And now, if you’ll excuse me I’m going to paint my nails.  Because it’s important.  xo, MR